Chopstork

When they first figured out that they could put toilets inside the house—whatever that impetus was (gas catcher? indoor plumbing?)—do you think they said, “Sweet, I can poop in my own home,” or, “Why the hell would I want to crap inside my house?”

I went on my first backpacking trip a few weekends ago with a bunch of veterans to show me the ropes—Luke, DP, Eli, Hattie, and DeLaura. Good times. Of course one of my pre-camping fears was, “I hope pooing in the woods isn’t too hard.” I’ve had difficulties trying to squat in public restrooms in Japan before—burning quads, trying not to fall, etc. This time I quickly discovered how easy it is if you just squat all the way down. How did I learn this beautiful technique? From the elevating porta potty video, previously posted here. See, you can learn things from TV…and Chopstork.

I got back and expressed the joy of my discovery to the others. Which surprisingly led to a discussion of different techniques. You mean it’s not standard-issue?

Today’s lesson: Methods for pooing in the woods.*

The Full Squat. Surprisingly easy. Discovered by girls (and Asians) long ago; shunned by the white man. No stamina required in the legs because you’re already all the way down. Actually leaves plenty of clearance between droppings and dropped pants. May require (minimal) practice to maintain balance.

The Half Squat. A futile farce to keep far from feces. Makes the quads burn. Takes a strong man to maintain. Maybe degrades gracefully into the Full Squat.

The Overbite. Mental comfort of being in a familiar physical position. Must invest time searching for that perfect log or rock (preferably with a view). Risk of tumbling backward if improperly sized object used.

The Middleman. Similar to the Overbite. Eliminates risk of falling over backward, but must find two objects adequately spaced. A well balanced option, though butt-cheek contact with foriegn surfaces appears necessary.

Lean Cuisine. A nice compromise between the Overbite and Middleman. Uses the cheek-lean technique on a single object, eliminating both tumble risk and two-object requirement. May be slightly more difficult to maintain over long periods than the parent methods.

The Whomping Willow. Similar to the Half Squat, but offloads the legs with some additional support. Must find a a tree with appropriately low and flexible branches. Risk of falling into the pile if the branch lacks adequate strength. If you’ve found the right tree, there should already be a hole for you.

*I haven’t tried most of these. The experts can comment on their personal favorites.

Update: Vote for your favorite method over in the sidebar! (Thanks to The Prophet for the suggestion)

No liquids on airplanes now because of this terrorist plot. But I’ve already figured out how the terrorists will circumvent the new restrictions: Explosive urine. Pee in the sink, mix it with your explosive diarrhea, BOOM!

Aaaahahahahaha. Those crazy japs. This could have happened to me in Kyoto. I’d crap my pants. Except I’d really just crap the crapper.

Needless to say, Japan is not a litigious society. By the way, at the end of the video, the girl says the thing cost about $44,000 (Yen 5,000,000) to make.

Yeah yeah, another writing about poo? Tell people to quit leaving their crap (literally) everywhere and I’ll stop writing about it.

There was a semicircular smudge of what I assume was poo on the toilet seat. WHY?

The figure below shows a toilet with it’s critical dimension, the hole. Also shown is the mating part, the mystery pooper. Let’s call it a press fit for the poo in the person. The goal here is to clear the toilet’s hole. Diameter of the hole is nominally 8.5 in. 8.5 - 1.0 = 7.5 MMC. 7.5 - .5 = 7 virtual condition. Poo is 1.0 + .5 = 1.5 on the big side. 7 - 1.5 = 5.5 inches. Mystery pooper has to hit a 5.5 inch target at worst. If he poops smaller, he can be that much further off-center. That is very doable. Millions of people do it every day. There should be no poo on the toilet seat. Please.