Chopstork

I went on my first backpacking trip a few weekends ago with a bunch of veterans to show me the ropes—Luke, DP, Eli, Hattie, and DeLaura. Good times. Of course one of my pre-camping fears was, “I hope pooing in the woods isn’t too hard.” I’ve had difficulties trying to squat in public restrooms in Japan before—burning quads, trying not to fall, etc. This time I quickly discovered how easy it is if you just squat all the way down. How did I learn this beautiful technique? From the elevating porta potty video, previously posted here. See, you can learn things from TV…and Chopstork.

I got back and expressed the joy of my discovery to the others. Which surprisingly led to a discussion of different techniques. You mean it’s not standard-issue?

Today’s lesson: Methods for pooing in the woods.*

The Full Squat. Surprisingly easy. Discovered by girls (and Asians) long ago; shunned by the white man. No stamina required in the legs because you’re already all the way down. Actually leaves plenty of clearance between droppings and dropped pants. May require (minimal) practice to maintain balance.

The Half Squat. A futile farce to keep far from feces. Makes the quads burn. Takes a strong man to maintain. Maybe degrades gracefully into the Full Squat.

The Overbite. Mental comfort of being in a familiar physical position. Must invest time searching for that perfect log or rock (preferably with a view). Risk of tumbling backward if improperly sized object used.

The Middleman. Similar to the Overbite. Eliminates risk of falling over backward, but must find two objects adequately spaced. A well balanced option, though butt-cheek contact with foriegn surfaces appears necessary.

Lean Cuisine. A nice compromise between the Overbite and Middleman. Uses the cheek-lean technique on a single object, eliminating both tumble risk and two-object requirement. May be slightly more difficult to maintain over long periods than the parent methods.

The Whomping Willow. Similar to the Half Squat, but offloads the legs with some additional support. Must find a a tree with appropriately low and flexible branches. Risk of falling into the pile if the branch lacks adequate strength. If you’ve found the right tree, there should already be a hole for you.

*I haven’t tried most of these. The experts can comment on their personal favorites.

Update: Vote for your favorite method over in the sidebar! (Thanks to The Prophet for the suggestion)

Eight of us set out for a 21 mile, 3 day hike throughout the Ventana Wilderness Area and the Los Padres National Forest.

Day 1 started out ominously with a false start on the wrong trailhead. Fortunately, armed with GPS and Topo maps we found our way and began the hike again. Hiking south from China Camp we climbed and followed the Ridge Trail for about 2.5 miles, hung a right at Church Creek Divide, and then descended into the scenic Pine Valley. If I were a Homesteader pursuing Manifest Destiny, Pine Valley is where I would want to stop, build a log cabin, and make babies.

Thinking the worst of the climbing was behind us and believing that more of Pine Valley was before us, we blissfully entered Hiding Valley. The trail through Hiding Valley was great…for a small dachshund. Most of the bush had covered the trail from our waist upwards. Moreover, countless times the trail crossed a creek that got progressively more difficult to jump-rock across. If I were a Homesteader pursuing Manifest Destiny, Hiding Valley is where I’d get infested with tics, dowsed with Poison Oak, and ambushed by angry Indians for disrespecting their grave sites.

Day 1 ended minutes before dusk with our camp for the night, Hiding, on the other side of the Carmel River, a rushing watercourse about waist deep and 20 yards across. Despite the misadventures of Hiding Valley, the eight of us still had high spirits and we crossed the Carmel and made camp. I have to admit I’ve never had so much fun hiking through so much crap.

Dreading more of the same or worst as Day 1, for Day 2 we decided to turn back and forgo the return loop back to China Camp via the Carmel River Valley and Miller Canyon. After clearing Hiding, we soothed and pampered ourselves in Pine Valley for the night. In the morning of Day 3, we trekked over to Pine Falls and took a fresh dip in the pool below. Around noon, we set off up the Ridge Trail back to China Camp. Unfortunately, our misadventures were not done yet. My car had a flat.

Pictures

• Zach’s Pictures (on flickr)
  
• Armen’s Pictures (on flickr)
  
• Eli’s Pictures

So besides the pictures, this post has little to do about this backpacking trip. Basically, I wanted to tryout the flickr blogging features. I have to say flickr pretty much rocks. You can checkout my flickr photos here or on flickr.

This shot was taken 10,000ft up above Lake Garnet in the Ansel Adam’s Wilderness. Left to Right: Luke, Dan, Zach, & Adam. See more photos.